A claustrophobic life.

Once again my need to constantly be working on a goal has risen up to haunt me.

I am fully aware that my job requires me to have many goals and milestones. However regardless at the end of the day I am still working here and doing what I do. The rewards are to far fetched and the successes are "Feel Good" but not completly satisfying. I know I am making a difference in the big picture. I know that my hours at work does actually paid off and its because of my hard work that we have raised so much in the fight against cancer. Shouldn't that be enough? I am not working for a promotion because there is no where to go. I am not looking for a raise because those don't exist in today's world. What now?

I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. However in my life it would be stuck between Student Loans and Bills. I work all the time and I still dread paycheck day. Shouldn't pay day be a good day? For me it means that before my day is over my bills will be automatically deducted and I will once again be broke. What happened to the day of taking out the loans to live on in college and go shopping for "Going Out" clothes? Oh that's right-- they abandoned me, along with sleeping until noon and dreaming of being a "Big Kid" with less money troubles. Geez was I naive.

Living with my mother- although easy and cheap, not so fun. Its not very easy to mold back into someone elses home when you have had a taste of building your own. Her ideas of cleaning, organizing and decorating are not in sync with mine. Not to mention no matter how hard I try to get Avery Jo to eat his own- Healthy.Expensive.Organic food he still would rather shove the other dogs "Mystery" dog food down his--used to be smaller-- body.

Wikipedia describes being Claustrophobic as, "the fear of having no escape and being closed in small spaces or rooms.Also--Fear of restriction and suffocation". Hmm Yes I think this pretty much describes my current state. I need a new goal...something that is low cost and high in satisfaction. When you find it let me know...hopefully by then I wont have resorted to knitting or hording cats!

Big Ideas for something sweet!

This last weekend my "little" cousin graduated from High School. In my attempts to be overly domestic I chose to make homemade cupcakes and frosting for her graduation party. I found inspiration from the trendy Cupcake shop in Lake Havasu, AZ that likes to add to my daily calorie intake on visits. SO with big intentions of the perfect modern cupcake I chose, butter cream frosting in different colors.

My first hurdle with this was realizing that I did not just want blue cupcakes- her school color. However my selection at the local Walmart was not cooperating with my color scheme. "Sky Blue" and "Orange" would do.

Second hurdle.... I decided to make the frosting the day before her party. I was looking like a Martha Stewart clone with my powder sugar all over the counter and frosting in my hair. Per the directions I was to cover tightly and refrigerate until using. Done. However I dont think the recipe called for my kitchen to be 90 + degrees the next day while frosting. My impatience grew while waiting for the frosting to hit room temperature and only decreased when I attempted to frost with professional abilities- one cupcake at a time. Besides me cursing at my mother every time she walked in the kitchen to offer her advice. I was handling this speed bump with grace.

Third hurdle... The writing.... I decided to be simple and modern with just a decedent "C" on each cupcake. Little did I know that the writing gel had a personal vendetta against me and wasn't going to cooperate.

Lastly... Like I said 90+ degrees (small exaggeration) allowed for the frosting to melt...into each other, the plate, the hands of everyone who ate them etc.

However I have to say...although a tad on the sweet side, I liked em!

Although this seems to be a pattern with me - big ideas for crafts that don't turn out how I picture it. I will continue to force myself to be as domestic as possible in the kitchen. After all...practice makes perfect, Right?

A day of lazyness

So much going on, so much to do, and instead of taking my day off to be productive in my personal life, I am choosing to do the opposite through Netflix, Hulu and the Internet.

I must admit that I did set my alarm this morning, but once again I did not have a choice- the corollas legal status was expired and I had to take the time I did have to waste a few hours at the MVD of Flagstaff.

Responsibility aside, I am now snuggled into my comfy bed with Av Joe and Joe ( my adopted son/J's dog). With my recent Netflix show addiction playing episodes on repeat- "The Gates" will be keeping me entertained in drama. The perfect stressed life remedy, unrealistic vampire-werewolf issues that do not relate to my life.

Besides the crazy wind outside that is keeping the love of my life a few hours away saving lives and fighting a fire, its a relaxing day. Yes I would rather him be being lazy with me instead of inhaling smoke and battling hundreds of acres of life threatening flames. However I know he is also getting his adrenaline rush of keeping busy and doing what he loves. See? I can be reasonable!

My relaxing day will be spoiled when I wake up tomorrow and have to rush into work and then drive to another community and work even harder. But today I refuse to think of it and am planning on ignoring all work related calls....wish me luck.

In the last 369 days.

A year and 4 days ago I received a phone call that put me on the floor and caused me to tell my boss through mascara covered tears, I needed to go home for the rest of the day.

Its amazing how when someone leaves your family the whole world shakes. For the next few days after hearing the devastating news you go through a series of emotions. On this particular day I went from a tragic sob, to pure anger within 20 minutes. Followed by pity and sadness that lasted until I had no more tears to cry. However thanks to my personality of being the faced-strong one in my family I had to pull my shit together and be there for my mom, again.

I think about it now, and although I will miss my uncle Twain and I wish he was still here with us. Most of my emotions had to do with the after effect this was going to have on my already "hanging by a thread" family. We couldn't prepare for this one, this one wasn't one that we had months to say our goodbyes and handle. This was spur of the moment and over before we knew it. It was a year ago last Friday, feels like yesterday.

This last year has changed me more then any year in my life has. It was one for the books, good and bad. After this devastating news I uprooted to be near my family, again. It felt ridicules to be so far away when they were dropping like flies in already small herd of people. I learned that your wants and needs change as you get older, seems simple. It isnt.

Although on most days I want to strangle my mother, with words of course, I cant imagine not being close to her now. Even though Flagstaff, AZ is not my forever city, it is the place that needs me, and I need it for the time being. And even though this job drains me of energy, I have a reason to come to work everyday, because no matter who drives me crazy, I AM making a difference in the world.

Finding a great start to a career path, stumbling into the love of my life at "Target" and being forced to handle the stages of grief for the 2nd time in two years, and expecting my first nephew in August....that can change a girl. But even though I would rather have my missing family at our bad-excuse-for-a-Christmas's, I am glad things have happened to force change.

Like I said, this has been a life changing year. Its been full of the "who woulda thought"'s and tears of pure happiness and sadness. But with age comes wisdom to recognize the things that matter and the things that will not shape you. Learning to distinguish the two is a lesson that I will continue to learn, indefinitely.

A "trending" life

Life is full of in's and out's. If you really think about it everything in your life has its trendy-time . Whether its a current obsession, a clothing trend, friends, jobs, money. Everything has a shelf life, however its the things that matter that are restocked because of their value and worth.


Lets start with the first one, current obsession. I have had times when I am OBSESSED with Apple Juice for a few months and drink it like water and then I get sick of it and move on. I have times in my life where I eat healthy and want to be active all the time (yes this is few and far between), I have those weeks where there is nothing in the world that can keep me out of my bed and comfy clothes, and others that I am itching to get out of my own skin and DO SOMETHING.

The piece of fabric that I put on my body is half style half love. I will be the first one to admit either I can take it to far or I am wearing something that went out of style in 2002. Doesnt matter to me. However a clothing style has its "in's and out's" something in the 80's can come back in like the old fashion Ray Bans, or neon colors. Eventually it will be "lame" again and bell bottoms and large hippy flowers will be forced on us through Cosmo and Vogue magazines.

Friends, as harsh as it sounds, there are friends that have their shelf life, and some that dont. There are your friends that you meet in a class, at work, in your yoga class. They might know your day-to-day life for their 6 months of daily interaction, but they drop like flies when its over. Then there are the people in your life that come in and out as they please, or you please. For this blogs sake I will call them, "convenience" friends. The friend that calls with fake interest on a Friday night and just so happens to slip, " know of anything going on tonight", into the conversation. The convinance friend is also great for needing things and never giving things. Yes they might call you crying to handle their problems, however their busy life can never seem to handle your problems. Lastly are the best kind, the first bite of something delish friend. Forever friends, these are the ones that know you "in and out", the ones that call you on your issues and still accept you. The one that will drop their life to handle your "I cut my hair to short" sobbing phone calls. These are the friends that you work to stay in touch with and work to value, because without them, something is missing.

Jobs is easy. Something that your life revolves around and when you have received everything out of it you can, you move on. This is a one sided relationship. But im ok with that.

Money is also easy, sometimes you have it (in) and sometimes you dont (out). Spend it and its gone, work for it and its there.

No matter what its learning what things can be restocked to be used again, and the ones that can be thrown away and just hold memories. I for one am ok with staying away from Apple Juice for a while but would be lost without my forever friends and big sunglasses :)

My fortune Cookie

On a well-attempted dinner date with J. my fortune cookie told me something close to, "There will big and happy changes in your future". Of course, I had the intentions of keeping this slim/cheap slip of paper and posting it somewhere to give me motivation on a dreary day. It got as far as being cleaned out of my purse, and I think it might have ended up in the trash bin- by accident of course.

However I have just received another fortune cookie, this one states " Even the longest of days will come to an end" Hmmm. It seems the Chinese gods are playing tricks with me.

So let me get this strait corporate china- I will have good changes but the days will be long and end eventually? Thanks. Sounds close to the old "If you work hard you will be rewarded". Thanks but I already knew this tid-bit of information. But I do appreciate you telling me that my lucky numbers are 28,13,19,56,10, and 23. Pretty sure that differs from the last cookie, but whatevs.

Those of you who are questioning my Chinese food intake, this has been a rare occasion of 2 meals in a week. So quit your judging.

The first cookie is the one I believe I will take to heart since it seems close to true. In a few short months my first nephew, Tyler David Kenney will be born. To say I am excited does not describe me accurately. Besides from the purchase of every "My aunt loves me" Onesey/bib/shirt (girls clothes not excluded). And the mention of him at every baby conversation I fit it into too, I am pretty normal. EEEKKK Ok I am not, I CANNOT wait to meet him!!

There are changes that will go unmentioned however, it is also my busy season at work. Working 60 + hours at work might be ok for those who see an hourly wage on their paycheck. But for those of us who went to college to end up in debt, "Salary" doesn't look so good when you are driving on the highway at 11:30pm.

I hope my next cookie tells me "You will be rich in a matter of days, eventually end up with a gorgeous happy family and life will be easy."

Im sure thats what it will say.....

Attempting the practice of POSITIVE thinking....

I have noticed that at times I can seem negative...like the majority of my time I focus on what can go wrong. I believe this is partly true...

In my head both the positive and negative are present. They both voice their opinions and are over thought in detail. However, the negative slips out of my mouth for multiple reasons which are not always to be the pessimistic person in the room. I believe these are voiced more often so I can be reassured the negative will not happen.Which is selfish. Also, because if I am aware of all the things that can go wrong, I will not be disappointed when they do.

In no way is this "healthy" and a correct way of thinking, I am aware of that.

That being said I have decided that today I will do a "What I do not like" and "What I love" list in their simplest form. Guess who gets to read it?

To start with the negative and end on a positive note....

What I do not like

Slow technology on a hectic day

Slow days

Large amounts of snow when I have places to go

Peas

Black Licorice

Socks with sandals

Dis-loyalty

Waiting until the last minute

People playing with my toes

3. Certain words

Close minded-ness

Small spaces

Meatloaf

Wearing an outfit I do not feel comfortable in

Changing plans

Putting Laundry away

Forced conversation

WHAT I LOVE

Holding hands

Inspirational moments

A new journal

Homemade gifts

Chocolate

Comfy beds

Things that make me think

Walks in deep thought

Personal meaning

Randomness

Obscene laughter

Big Sunglasses

Kissing

Travel

Memories

Attempting to master the kitchen

Mascara

Talking about the ones I love

Organizing

Someone "tickling" my back

Movies

Two-stepping

Wearing something that makes me feel beautiful

Big hair

Finding security and comfort in a pet

"Just thinking of you"'s

Inside jokes

Reaching a goal

Being so busy I'm stressed

My mom

Someone playing with my hair

....See even in that random 5 minutes I proved that I think more positive...I just need to work on portraying it more.

What do you love?