Keep fighting skinny girl within!

Dear Healthy me,

Where in the HELL have you gone? This is ridic. Honestly you come into my life for a few short months and you think you can just pick up and leave? NO. You know perfectly well that I cannot survive the world of junk food on my own. I need my inner cheerleader/skinnny girl back.NOW. Apparently you think that just because I manage to eat a healthy meal a day and no longer eat those delish dairy items...that I am healed. I CALL BS.

Healthy me, lets fix this. Lets get on track again and pay attention to the amount of chocolate that goes in your mouth. Also Just because I take a vaca to the south doesnt mean that my workout routine can just disappear. Whats going on? Get your shit together.

If this isnt enough...let me give you some words on encouragement. Whatever you have been doing for the last 8 months seems to be working. Even if its not as much as it should be. You have been noticed. For all the right reasons....(those of you who know me, know what this means). The "in your face" oppurtunity came and was gladley welcomed. Thank you skinny girl within you did this...keep screaming at me when I reach for another chocolate or a Diet Coke.

Lighter note:

I am getting the heck outta george....also known as the greatest hole in America. I am back to my former home, closer to my friends and closer to hopeful oppurtunities. Cross your fingers for fantastic, dream making events.

Healthier me should be updated for often now...check back often ya'll.

muah.

Looking for a fellow negative nelly

Sorry but I have been suffering from chronic detachment from the World Wide Web for the last couple weeks.
Everything that has gone wrong latley...has. Typical complaint coming from a 22 year old female right? Right.
Doesnt matter. When your the person that the world is sufficating one day at a time, you will understand. Until then I guess you can judge me.
I am tired of fighting the on going struggle with the fat kid within. Seriously where was the fork in the road that decided whether or not your metabolism could keep up with your cravings? I totally screwed up on that one...and I thought I was good at directions. It seems that no matter how many times a day I manage to make myself guilty with thoughts of ex's, bathing suits, supermodels and toned stomachs, I still end up complitley blocking that out for one more chip. Damn those delish salt and vinger chips.

However the being active thing is happening. The 3-4 times a week workout is still in progress. However I still do not feel I am pushing myself to get that " WOW THAT WAS A GREAT WORKOUT" feeling. Will be working harder.

The rest of my life continues to be a bottomless dark hole of nothing. I continue to have no true love life, employment or happiness. I good friend of mine recently jumped my ass about my negativty toward my life. All I told her was, " Thanks for caring, however until you are the one unemployed living with her mother, 1200 miles away from your best friends and the most recent missed call in your phone is from a bill collector...you have no idea how I feel." I love having great friends that continuely tell me how strong I am and how a job will be coming my way soon. However were is the other set of friends that will just sit there and bitch with me. Letting me say my life is completly worthless and maybe even agreeing with me from time to time. Call me friend lets get coffee.

To putting down that salt and vinger chip and getting coffee with a fellow negative nelly.

Love. Seriously. What in the hell is this? A feeling that when happy can make you sick to your stomach? When sad/mad can make you sick to your stomach.....sounds great. Sounds like something totally worth living for. Right. Yes I might be a tad cynical. I do honestly think that love is fabulous and should be shared. But I also think that love....= Bullshit. I think it messes with our minds until we drive ourselves crazy. It makes us have warped thoughts and feelings. Feelings that make you say and do things you WOULD NEVER do in a clear state of mind. But inst that what we sign up for. The moment you look at someone, (whether it be a romantic or platonic relationship) in that moment, you sign your heart away. You sign your mental stability and your functionality. What if we didn't have love. Would we all just be happy without ever feeling any overwhelming emotion? Its not that I am anti-love or am going to turn into an emotionless zombie. I just wish there was some sort of saneness. I guess then it wouldn't be real love. On a note of my health...which I think is somewhat related to the bullshit above... I have decided that my going on "walks" isnt challanging me enough. While I praise myself for getting up and being active. I also think that without breaking a sweat and doubling over, the workout doesnt really count. Its like me saying yes I am going to cook a home made cake tonight...and then whipping out the Betty Crocker box. Faking it.... New goal: push myself during my workouts. Note to self: try making an organic cake from scratch :)

An empty meal, An empty life.

Why is it that when you make yourself a salad for a meal at home...it feels like a snack. Mentally the mound of green romaine just doesn't look like a fully loaded salad you would order out. Therefor once you finish your "meal" you think that there is more to come. But there isn't. I just had a fabulous fresh green salad. As soon as I put the plate away I wanted to look for something else to eat. Is this just me not satisfied while there is still a small amount of room in my belly? Probably. Either way its a horrible way to think and I had to pull myself away from the kitchen and tell you about it.
On the up note I also would like to force my cravings of chocolate and all things bad on something else. The cliche of all cliches ...love. Some people might qualify as being an "emotional eater" however I believe I am the opposite. If there is happiness in my life...I don't feel the need to shove my face with whatever is in front of me. If there is sadness...I don't eat. However if my life is like it is now....boring and pointless, I fill the void with cooking or baking. Instead of completing a worthy task that makes me feel good about myself I cook...just to have a finished project. Desperate for resolution in my life, I think so. "Love" comes into play as being one of those things that is going nowhere in my life.
Not that I am screaming I hate being single or anything. I actually enjoy parts of it. However its another open ended part of day. Bringing me back to..."Well since I am going to bed alone tonight, might as well have a bowl of cereal?" Bad.
I do however have a buddy workout today and am actually looking forward to breaking a sweat! Sometimes I like to workout alone, as to avoid the embarrassment of someone else witnessing my slow/exhausted ass.
However if I make plans with someone to go on a hike or life weights, I know that...someone would notice my absence. Its all about motivation for me. If im lazy it wont happen, if I stare at a picture of Jessica Simpson in a bikini...well theres a better chance of activity!

Apple to mouth watering Chocolate?

Having now slept on the thought of writing this nonsense I am still up for the difficult task of exposing my hidden thoughts. So let me start by saying today I am planning on a walk...I have had my morning granola and it couldn't look easier. Its still morning. HAHA.

I always say that if I was born allergic to chocolate or I just flat out hated it. I would be sooo much thinner. But then if you really think about it. If you hate one thing you are bound to LOVE another correct? So I would probably have a passionate love affair with carrot cake rather than a delicious Reeses cup. Maybe I should drop the creative descriptive words about the food that should not be consumed. Makes my mouth water.

Instead I am forced to consider an Red Delicious apple as my "treat" for the morning. By cutting it up I can make it last longer. I wonder what trick can make it taste like a hunk of dark chocolate?

The Life Style Change.

Starting a blog is a scary concept. Lets start with that.

Admitting what is going on in your head, for ANYONE/NO ONE to see....even scarier.

I am titling this..." The Life Style Change" although I technically started the change about six months ago, maybe this "Blogaroo" will help me stay on track.

What I mean by "Life Style Change" is not the cliche, moving to a new city (although heres to hoping) or all the sudden admitting some scandalous secret to the world.

Instead I say this because I am trying to stay on the track of self improvement. Eight months ago I graduated from college. Having no breathtaking job prospects I chose to move back to my home state and back into my childhood house. If the stress of being a recent college grad with no where to go isn't enough...my motivation for being back here had to do with my aunt Celeste.

Sob story, my mothers younger sister Celeste battled cancer for two years. Second time around she was unable to continue her tug-of-war struggle. Motivation to come back to this state was simple, help the best aunt I could ever ask for. Along with the family that was crumbling around her.For four months I chose to drop the dream job search and help in anyway I could. The sadness and sorrows engulfed my family and all those around me. Watching her literally leave us slowly was the hardest thing I have ever witnessed. Along this time I have never been happier with my decision to return home. Letting go of a few months of my life was beyond simple and small compared to what she was loosing...life. My erratic/fabulous/life loving aunt passed away Easter Sunday 2009.

I am still here in this hometown I was so desperate to leave after high school graduation. Still searching for that job that offers what I need,in the location that is no where near my current residence, yet getting to the point of desperation no college graduate wants to admit to.

About a month before we lost Celeste I decided to try and find the "healthier me". That is where this blog begins. This is also where I admit the things that no one says out loud and I swallow my pride for this so called " Life Style Change".This already seems like a horrible idea.

Hear it goes.
For the majority of my life I have been far from happy with my self, mind and body (but mostly body).I have fought with the typical "diets" and chose to many hours of sitting on my ass rather then any sort of physical activity. However in the back of my head I always knew that once I convinced myself that I could do better at this thing called, " Health" I would be happy, I would be confident and I would be able to continue life in the way I wanted.However finding the motivation for this was not as simple. After gaining the freshman 15 and then some I could see that this body of mine was not going to magically turn thin and I was not going to magically stop loving chocolate. I had to do it myself. FUN!?

A family friend convinced me to change the way I eat. Basically telling me I eat EVERYTHING bad and nothing good. Fabulous. So I have cut out dairy and wheat. I do have an allergy to dairy I just have never given in to not eating ice cream or cheese.ugh. I do now.

She also convinced me that while I might be eating healthier nothing is going to happen when I am still sitting in front of the t.v watching movies. I began to go on walks, do what she calls " isolation's" and I was actually enjoying myself. However after a few months of this, and no results I became discouraged and was pissed I had yet to have a super model body ( OK maybe not "supermodel" but something like it) HA. Slowly but surly I let myself eat crap a little too much again and now I am at this awkward place in the middle. I still TRY and eat the healthy, expensive food but find myself distracted by the chocolate donuts a few to many times.

This is my "body/ Life style change". For the mental part I have chosen to let the loud, aggressive honest Chelsea take a few steps back. Allowing for the thought keeping me who says nice things, to shine through. This part I am having trouble with. I choose to currently blame this on the depression from lack of employment, money and love. Will be working harder on this.

For now all I can do is introduce you (whoever you might be) to what I mean by "Life Style Change". Hoping to keep this going as to show myself there is no backing out from finding the "healthier me".