This is so not ideal.

A much needed update...

1. Yes I have been neglecting my blog.
2. Yes I have been neglecting my body.
3. Yes I have had sooo many changes in my life.
4. Yes I will try to do better.

So to be perfectly honest I have been avoiding writing my "Healthy" updates. To be even more honest I have been avoiding "Finding the Healthier me" all together. Quick recap. I changed jobs, was underpaid and over worked, quit job. Lost another family member...ran back home to mommies roof and lack of homemade meals. Currently feeling slightly more motivated....slightly. Looking AGAIN for a job, this time in AZ but not in FTown.

So I was at a loss for creativity until the latest Junior college BS gossip reached me. It amazes me how some people live in a box of their own negativity. However, this is neither here nor there. This is my excuse for needing to vent.


So more details. Just like the last family member I lost, this one too was on my moms side of the family. This one too was a younger sibling of hers. This one too we will all miss and have been shaken, yet again.

After my mom called me at work and told me my uncle, Mark Twain Ferguson had passed away it took a good 5 minutes to pull myself out of the Med Room and tell my boss I needed to go home through mascara smeared tears. However once I was in the car, feeling dead inside and still crying I snickered to myself. Yes, snickered. I literally laughed a little bit, then realized how insanely inappropriate this was and laughed some more.

You see, my mind couldn't grasp the thought that things could still get worse. That no matter how bad you think you have it, it could get worse. Seriously whenever we handle something to tragic that we cannot picture there ever being a future, do we honestly picture what else can go wrong? I know that when my aunt passed away I wasn't thinking, "Oh who will die next in my immediate family and scar us even worse." I mean seriously, who writes this shit?

Moving BACK to Arizona gave everyone in my family and the people that know me, an excuse to say "Chelsea WTF". Yes I realize that I bitched and whined to get out of here. But little did I realize that when your not in college, and your not surrounded by your friends in the same situation that things are hard flying solo. Not that I mind living alone, but the job that wouldn't pay my rent, and all the bills, and everything else life demands, wasn't a good enough excuse to stay. Not to mention I moved back to a part of Okla that I didn't even like, to live with someone who slowly drifted away to live her own life. Not Ideal and Not what I pictured.

So another "Chelsea WTF", I also am looking for employment in Prescott, AZ or somewhere down in the Valley....the one town I said I would NEVER live. Life has a way of calling you a hypocrite behind your back.

Love life = Hard to handle.
Health= Slow progression that has been blamed on the lack of income ( in my defense the only food I can afford is what my mom has in the house.)
Money= Working my ASS off to find a job that pays more than my electric bill.
Friends= You know. Ill get back to you on that one.
Family= With age comes wisdom to appreciate these people.


I have literally been on my death bed for two days...ok NOT DEATH BED but it felt that way. Therefor my food intake has been minimal and will hopefully be a turnaround in the "Health" Department soon. Ugh FML. This is so not ideal.

Caught the bug.

I dont even know where to start. It seems I have caught this horrible, hard to cure infectious disease. One that causes me to eat everything I see. I wonder if there is an Eaters Anonymous. I should google it. Working somewhere that has food around all the time might be worse then working in a restaurant. I have already decided that I am made to be a "healthier" girl but not this "healthy".

Depressing. Realizing an addiction and not having the willpower to grab it by the balls and solve it. Like I wish I was allergic to chocolate, I now wish I hated all sweets.

I work with someone that eats nothing while at work. Now I realize this is unhealthy, however I wish I had the "un-want". Ridiculous. Sometimes I wish I didnt have AMAZING ocean blue eyes, just so I would have a higher metabolism and drive to break a sweat. Hey, I can love one thing about myself, in trade for all the things I could change...but dont. Way to go Chelsea.

"Jocking"

Listening to Miley Cyrus ...raining outside...snuggled up to my 14 lb, furry, life support of a pooch. Drinking Chai hot tea and contemplating life...how creative is that??

I went "Jocking" the other day. (The term "jocking" comes from me not being in shape enough to go for a full on, "jog" yet not being stimulated enough by a walk.) So Chelsea goes on "Jocks". Yes I am going to trademark that term. :)
Anyway... so Avery and I are "Jockin" around this local park, complete with adorable duck pond. I'm loosing myself in my latest Itunes download and not paying attention to Avery. Well I feel him tug at my arm and realize, he is in mid-chase of 3 geese and the little 2 year old girl feeding them. Way to go rude "jocker" (me), you just caused a pig tailed, barley stable girl to fall on her butt and start hysterically crying. What else was there for me to do but mouth "sorry" to her frazzled mother, and keep on my pavement path!! Whoops.
Don't worry I kept Av on a close lead while I fast-walked my way back to my car and left ASAP.

Needless to say this didn't encourage me to go back yesterday and "jock" again. Not to be discouraged in the future will be my goal come Monday.

However I have come to realize that food literally controls my life. Its what I think about when I wake up. I spend the mornings waiting for my lunch break and in between my mind is on the vending machine at the other end of my building. How can I control this? Its like the Snickers bar is aware that I have that 85 cents in my purse not being used. Plus some room on the back of my thighs that could use some MORE empty calories.

Having a paycheck is, however encouraging my morning healthy-smoothies. Which is great because there yummy-ness and good-ness is welcomed at 7:30 am on my way to work.

I am joining the local dance place that has a 3-day a week aerobics/adult dance class. I need to actually call and get the information, but the good intention is there. HA.

Other then that, the normal not getting healthier me is there. With the "healthier me" screaming in the back of my head, shes not just a mumble anymore that's for sure!!

Finally I have been given a break!!!!!

Well, things are good.

Its amazing how one thing can go right, then everything seems to fall in place around it. I have found full time employment, of which is not located in a restaurant...wooooopie!

Things that have fallen into place around it....

1. Eating randomly throughout the day has diminished.
2. My realization that I have amazing friends in my life has awakened.
3. I haven't smiled this much, or this big in soooo long.

The only thing this hasn't changed is the physical activity. It is still few and far between.

So my goal tomorrow shall be to do SOMETHING, and break a sweat at it. I shall let you know how this goes.

Getting back in the "groove" of healthy.

Lack of internet is my excuse for my absence. My excuse for dropping the "healthier me"....80% lazy, 20% lack of funding. None of which is a viable reason for my ass getting bigger.

After moving back to the "OK" my mothers healthy food reliablity diminished. Therefor going back to picking up a bag of Oreos while grocery shopping...became easier. Also I just recently have been able to locate a health food store...of which i located about 45 minutes from my place of residence. not ideal.

Being back here means needing to make the tough decisions more often. The temptation of fried chicken, fried vegetables (not healthy, believe it or not) and beer in large quantities is at every corner.

Having said this...I have recently lowered my standards in the employment pull and started working as a server at an Italian restaurant. This SCREAMS back away...number one rule of working anywhere with food, dont like the food you serve , you will eat it.

Setting myself up for failure. Maybe.

I have found a new, healthy side dish. Sweet Potato fries, cooked in EVOO and drizzled with organic grade A Maple syrup. Delish.

Moving back here in the winter has also put a damper on the physical activity. I love my "jocks" (jog/walks) with Avery. But that's weather permitting. So I have started workout dvd's. Can we say cliche? Salsa, line dancing, yoga and pilates in my living room is somehow less motivating. Weird, I know.

Keep fighting skinny girl within!

Dear Healthy me,

Where in the HELL have you gone? This is ridic. Honestly you come into my life for a few short months and you think you can just pick up and leave? NO. You know perfectly well that I cannot survive the world of junk food on my own. I need my inner cheerleader/skinnny girl back.NOW. Apparently you think that just because I manage to eat a healthy meal a day and no longer eat those delish dairy items...that I am healed. I CALL BS.

Healthy me, lets fix this. Lets get on track again and pay attention to the amount of chocolate that goes in your mouth. Also Just because I take a vaca to the south doesnt mean that my workout routine can just disappear. Whats going on? Get your shit together.

If this isnt enough...let me give you some words on encouragement. Whatever you have been doing for the last 8 months seems to be working. Even if its not as much as it should be. You have been noticed. For all the right reasons....(those of you who know me, know what this means). The "in your face" oppurtunity came and was gladley welcomed. Thank you skinny girl within you did this...keep screaming at me when I reach for another chocolate or a Diet Coke.

Lighter note:

I am getting the heck outta george....also known as the greatest hole in America. I am back to my former home, closer to my friends and closer to hopeful oppurtunities. Cross your fingers for fantastic, dream making events.

Healthier me should be updated for often now...check back often ya'll.

muah.

Looking for a fellow negative nelly

Sorry but I have been suffering from chronic detachment from the World Wide Web for the last couple weeks.
Everything that has gone wrong latley...has. Typical complaint coming from a 22 year old female right? Right.
Doesnt matter. When your the person that the world is sufficating one day at a time, you will understand. Until then I guess you can judge me.
I am tired of fighting the on going struggle with the fat kid within. Seriously where was the fork in the road that decided whether or not your metabolism could keep up with your cravings? I totally screwed up on that one...and I thought I was good at directions. It seems that no matter how many times a day I manage to make myself guilty with thoughts of ex's, bathing suits, supermodels and toned stomachs, I still end up complitley blocking that out for one more chip. Damn those delish salt and vinger chips.

However the being active thing is happening. The 3-4 times a week workout is still in progress. However I still do not feel I am pushing myself to get that " WOW THAT WAS A GREAT WORKOUT" feeling. Will be working harder.

The rest of my life continues to be a bottomless dark hole of nothing. I continue to have no true love life, employment or happiness. I good friend of mine recently jumped my ass about my negativty toward my life. All I told her was, " Thanks for caring, however until you are the one unemployed living with her mother, 1200 miles away from your best friends and the most recent missed call in your phone is from a bill collector...you have no idea how I feel." I love having great friends that continuely tell me how strong I am and how a job will be coming my way soon. However were is the other set of friends that will just sit there and bitch with me. Letting me say my life is completly worthless and maybe even agreeing with me from time to time. Call me friend lets get coffee.

To putting down that salt and vinger chip and getting coffee with a fellow negative nelly.