Finally I have been given a break!!!!!

Well, things are good.

Its amazing how one thing can go right, then everything seems to fall in place around it. I have found full time employment, of which is not located in a restaurant...wooooopie!

Things that have fallen into place around it....

1. Eating randomly throughout the day has diminished.
2. My realization that I have amazing friends in my life has awakened.
3. I haven't smiled this much, or this big in soooo long.

The only thing this hasn't changed is the physical activity. It is still few and far between.

So my goal tomorrow shall be to do SOMETHING, and break a sweat at it. I shall let you know how this goes.

Getting back in the "groove" of healthy.

Lack of internet is my excuse for my absence. My excuse for dropping the "healthier me"....80% lazy, 20% lack of funding. None of which is a viable reason for my ass getting bigger.

After moving back to the "OK" my mothers healthy food reliablity diminished. Therefor going back to picking up a bag of Oreos while grocery shopping...became easier. Also I just recently have been able to locate a health food store...of which i located about 45 minutes from my place of residence. not ideal.

Being back here means needing to make the tough decisions more often. The temptation of fried chicken, fried vegetables (not healthy, believe it or not) and beer in large quantities is at every corner.

Having said this...I have recently lowered my standards in the employment pull and started working as a server at an Italian restaurant. This SCREAMS back away...number one rule of working anywhere with food, dont like the food you serve , you will eat it.

Setting myself up for failure. Maybe.

I have found a new, healthy side dish. Sweet Potato fries, cooked in EVOO and drizzled with organic grade A Maple syrup. Delish.

Moving back here in the winter has also put a damper on the physical activity. I love my "jocks" (jog/walks) with Avery. But that's weather permitting. So I have started workout dvd's. Can we say cliche? Salsa, line dancing, yoga and pilates in my living room is somehow less motivating. Weird, I know.

Keep fighting skinny girl within!

Dear Healthy me,

Where in the HELL have you gone? This is ridic. Honestly you come into my life for a few short months and you think you can just pick up and leave? NO. You know perfectly well that I cannot survive the world of junk food on my own. I need my inner cheerleader/skinnny girl back.NOW. Apparently you think that just because I manage to eat a healthy meal a day and no longer eat those delish dairy items...that I am healed. I CALL BS.

Healthy me, lets fix this. Lets get on track again and pay attention to the amount of chocolate that goes in your mouth. Also Just because I take a vaca to the south doesnt mean that my workout routine can just disappear. Whats going on? Get your shit together.

If this isnt enough...let me give you some words on encouragement. Whatever you have been doing for the last 8 months seems to be working. Even if its not as much as it should be. You have been noticed. For all the right reasons....(those of you who know me, know what this means). The "in your face" oppurtunity came and was gladley welcomed. Thank you skinny girl within you did this...keep screaming at me when I reach for another chocolate or a Diet Coke.

Lighter note:

I am getting the heck outta george....also known as the greatest hole in America. I am back to my former home, closer to my friends and closer to hopeful oppurtunities. Cross your fingers for fantastic, dream making events.

Healthier me should be updated for often now...check back often ya'll.

muah.

Looking for a fellow negative nelly

Sorry but I have been suffering from chronic detachment from the World Wide Web for the last couple weeks.
Everything that has gone wrong latley...has. Typical complaint coming from a 22 year old female right? Right.
Doesnt matter. When your the person that the world is sufficating one day at a time, you will understand. Until then I guess you can judge me.
I am tired of fighting the on going struggle with the fat kid within. Seriously where was the fork in the road that decided whether or not your metabolism could keep up with your cravings? I totally screwed up on that one...and I thought I was good at directions. It seems that no matter how many times a day I manage to make myself guilty with thoughts of ex's, bathing suits, supermodels and toned stomachs, I still end up complitley blocking that out for one more chip. Damn those delish salt and vinger chips.

However the being active thing is happening. The 3-4 times a week workout is still in progress. However I still do not feel I am pushing myself to get that " WOW THAT WAS A GREAT WORKOUT" feeling. Will be working harder.

The rest of my life continues to be a bottomless dark hole of nothing. I continue to have no true love life, employment or happiness. I good friend of mine recently jumped my ass about my negativty toward my life. All I told her was, " Thanks for caring, however until you are the one unemployed living with her mother, 1200 miles away from your best friends and the most recent missed call in your phone is from a bill collector...you have no idea how I feel." I love having great friends that continuely tell me how strong I am and how a job will be coming my way soon. However were is the other set of friends that will just sit there and bitch with me. Letting me say my life is completly worthless and maybe even agreeing with me from time to time. Call me friend lets get coffee.

To putting down that salt and vinger chip and getting coffee with a fellow negative nelly.

Love. Seriously. What in the hell is this? A feeling that when happy can make you sick to your stomach? When sad/mad can make you sick to your stomach.....sounds great. Sounds like something totally worth living for. Right. Yes I might be a tad cynical. I do honestly think that love is fabulous and should be shared. But I also think that love....= Bullshit. I think it messes with our minds until we drive ourselves crazy. It makes us have warped thoughts and feelings. Feelings that make you say and do things you WOULD NEVER do in a clear state of mind. But inst that what we sign up for. The moment you look at someone, (whether it be a romantic or platonic relationship) in that moment, you sign your heart away. You sign your mental stability and your functionality. What if we didn't have love. Would we all just be happy without ever feeling any overwhelming emotion? Its not that I am anti-love or am going to turn into an emotionless zombie. I just wish there was some sort of saneness. I guess then it wouldn't be real love. On a note of my health...which I think is somewhat related to the bullshit above... I have decided that my going on "walks" isnt challanging me enough. While I praise myself for getting up and being active. I also think that without breaking a sweat and doubling over, the workout doesnt really count. Its like me saying yes I am going to cook a home made cake tonight...and then whipping out the Betty Crocker box. Faking it.... New goal: push myself during my workouts. Note to self: try making an organic cake from scratch :)

An empty meal, An empty life.

Why is it that when you make yourself a salad for a meal at home...it feels like a snack. Mentally the mound of green romaine just doesn't look like a fully loaded salad you would order out. Therefor once you finish your "meal" you think that there is more to come. But there isn't. I just had a fabulous fresh green salad. As soon as I put the plate away I wanted to look for something else to eat. Is this just me not satisfied while there is still a small amount of room in my belly? Probably. Either way its a horrible way to think and I had to pull myself away from the kitchen and tell you about it.
On the up note I also would like to force my cravings of chocolate and all things bad on something else. The cliche of all cliches ...love. Some people might qualify as being an "emotional eater" however I believe I am the opposite. If there is happiness in my life...I don't feel the need to shove my face with whatever is in front of me. If there is sadness...I don't eat. However if my life is like it is now....boring and pointless, I fill the void with cooking or baking. Instead of completing a worthy task that makes me feel good about myself I cook...just to have a finished project. Desperate for resolution in my life, I think so. "Love" comes into play as being one of those things that is going nowhere in my life.
Not that I am screaming I hate being single or anything. I actually enjoy parts of it. However its another open ended part of day. Bringing me back to..."Well since I am going to bed alone tonight, might as well have a bowl of cereal?" Bad.
I do however have a buddy workout today and am actually looking forward to breaking a sweat! Sometimes I like to workout alone, as to avoid the embarrassment of someone else witnessing my slow/exhausted ass.
However if I make plans with someone to go on a hike or life weights, I know that...someone would notice my absence. Its all about motivation for me. If im lazy it wont happen, if I stare at a picture of Jessica Simpson in a bikini...well theres a better chance of activity!

Apple to mouth watering Chocolate?

Having now slept on the thought of writing this nonsense I am still up for the difficult task of exposing my hidden thoughts. So let me start by saying today I am planning on a walk...I have had my morning granola and it couldn't look easier. Its still morning. HAHA.

I always say that if I was born allergic to chocolate or I just flat out hated it. I would be sooo much thinner. But then if you really think about it. If you hate one thing you are bound to LOVE another correct? So I would probably have a passionate love affair with carrot cake rather than a delicious Reeses cup. Maybe I should drop the creative descriptive words about the food that should not be consumed. Makes my mouth water.

Instead I am forced to consider an Red Delicious apple as my "treat" for the morning. By cutting it up I can make it last longer. I wonder what trick can make it taste like a hunk of dark chocolate?